Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Celebrities and Siblings

So I'm back from the walk and I feel a whole lot better (that's a relative better, not a 'better' better). If anyone cares, the theory I mentioned in my comments two posts previous was correct. We just happened to be a little less lucky than I would've liked in following through on it, and had to chase the theory further than might've been necessary. It's still better than chasing runaways halfway across the country, though, so I guess I can't complain.

Actually, I can. I've got a splitting headache, my trilby's at 'home' at the foot of my mattress looking like it's been trodden on (because it has) and my favourite business shirt is covered in blood from another god damn nosebleed. All together that means the next time I need one of my colleagues to listen to me, I won't be able to dress up in my 'business' getup to intimidate them. And these are just the practical concerns.

I don't know where He is, and it's been hours since I actually saw Him, but I still can't shake the feeling He's watching me, like He needs to know I'm not about to kill myself or start running because of what He's made me do this time. Last I saw Him He was staring at the new girl, waiting for her to wake up so He can start with the theophany and divine revelations all over again and make sure she doesn't break free this time. I'm not sure how far she's gone, because she was resisting Him when she ran, but I have a feeling she'll be hanging from the Tree for most of the night before she's singing his praises with the rest of them.

I did some things I'm not proud of yesterday and today, but the real kicker is that each of them seemed like the best thing to do at the time. The first few were good, morally sound choices, even. After all, nobody on either side of the game benefits from a Touched (or a Taken, at the time I wasn't sure if this wasn't just a symptom of her losing it completely) running rampage on their own, so why wouldn't I lead the chase to go get her from where I was sure she'd ran to?

Turns out that's all bullshit and she tried to escape because His Touch hadn't held as well as He thought it would. We hunted her down and led Him straight to her in the process. It's ironic - really and truly ironic, in the classical sense of the word. 

Maybe it's just what I tell myself, but I know when we were chasing her I believed I was saving somebody's life in the future, protecting all the people she'd have to steal from and would probably kill without me looking after her. Not that I don't expect people to be killed now I've brought her back. Anything I do leaves people dying eventually, so I just chose the options that might mean fewer do.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't try to rationalise it. If I'd known - if He'd come before we found her and made me understand what was happening, I still would've done it to protect my brother and because I'd die if I didn't. On the note of my brother and because it was asked, Ben's one of the lucky ones - Blind as they come.

Well, perhaps not as Blind as they come. He was always convinced being twins allowed us some kind of passive telepathy, though I maintained it was always bullshit and we could never prove it either way. We certainly never had the same dreams when we were young, or I wouldn't be stuck here trying to make sure we never do. If he was right though, then maybe I'm poisoning him just by being caught up in all of this. Maybe he's keeping me sane by being free of it. Who knows? Perhaps Ben will wake up one day to find a tall, faceless man in the closet and there'll be nobody to blame but me.

Heh. And I promised myself I wouldn't tell anybody I have a brother. It's a shame I also promised I wouldn't lie to you all, what with M asking why I can't just run. That's the problem with having principles and secrets. You can't keep both, and I'm not sure I can claim to have either any more, seeing as how I just doomed somebody to a lifetime of insanity today because I thought she already was. The road to hell, indeed.

I was going to spend a little while here answering your question as extensively as possible, M, seeing as our time zones make communication difficult, but I'm really not in the mood and 'My old teacher might be Taken, but he isn't crazy enough to have forgotten to check my loyalties once a month and kill my brother if they're wavering - after all, that is part of the job He gave him' really should suffice for now.

I was also going to say something about Zero commenting on my 'so I should probably explain' post, seeing as he's another hero of mine. Seriously, the shit he's been through nobody deserves. If you're both still reading this (why would you be?) you guys are the people I wish I could've become. But I'm not in the mood to grovel in front of people so much braver and so much less selfish than I am like I should, because today is not a good day for anything other than pouring all my self hate and pity into the Internet and letting you all join me.

Because some days I take comfort in knowing that my brother's safe and ignorant. Some days I take comfort in knowing I keep my colleagues from killing for food and money, or just because they're bored and it's all they know how to do. You all know already that some days I take comfort in the bottom of a bottle. On the worst days, the only comfort I take is from knowing I'm on the winning side, where eventually it wont matter what I've done.

And then some days I take girls from their homes while they beg me for things I can't give - like freedom from Him and their little seven year old sister back from wherever He took her, and I don't take any at all.

Sleep well. I know I wont.


  1. You are a twin? I am too.

    And you have to do what you have to do. Don't beat yourself up over it.

  2. You can a lot, but don't cop out. I'm not a fighter, but this isn't even giving up, this is helping the problem. If you're worried about your brother (which you shouldn't be. Slenderman can't go after him unless you're near where he is or he knows about Him) you shouldn't be fueling the problem. You should be running, or fighting however you can. We're all scared and we're all worried about our families, or were, don't attribute this to that like you had no other option because you do. Either way you're gonna die, do you wanna die soon and feeling like a horrible person, or maybe not as soon and feeling ok?

    - M

  3. I'll have to agree with M on this one. Way things are going, you're likely to end up dead or mad, eventually. And with the... experience you have had with Him could make you an extreme help to other Runners, and into an excellent Fighter. It's not too late to be like M or Zero.

    If you do run, perhaps you could come into contact with Ben? Surely you have his email written down somewhere.

    Stay sane, and should you run, safe, Andrew. We're all with you in this.

  4. I do have his email adress, along with six million emails from him filled with all the inane details of his life and constant requests I stop pretending I'm dead and just email him back - he's persistant, I'll give him that, and only occassionally as angry as I know I'd be if I thought he was dead.

    But I can't run, because if I run I'll have to pull him into this. It's a long story which I'm going to write up after I get some food so I don't have to keep explaining why I can't just up and leave, but I know for a fact someone Touched is living near enough to him to send me photographs of him sleeping once a month covered in scribbled operator symbols and taunting phrases demanding I 'obey' and 'never falter'.

    So I guess I'd rather die soon and feel okay than die later and feel horrible, if that answers your question.

  5. I'm gonna say something I would only say about somebody hollowed like the person probably sending you the photos, but take care of them. They're not even really alive anymore. If you feel he's not safe take care of them, then run. It sounds dangerous but he'll be safe if you do that and worse coes to worse you can stay pretty close to him to make sure he's ok.

    And if that's your answer to the question I don't know why you haven't started running yet. Because you don't seem that ok to me and that's coming from the guy who's brother is dead, and has been in the same diner for 12 hours.

    - M

  6. I'd love to take care of them and run. But I don't know who they are - I just get random Touched that're passing through wherever I'm staying handing me photos from 'a friend' every now and then. Hell, maybe each of them takes one if they're near Ben and passes it on when they see me, just because He enjoys messing with me.

    Once you get far enough Taken, everybody starts writing the same things in the same way, anyway, so it's not like more than one person couldn't be doing it.

    Still, if I could (which I can't at present) figure out who was stalking my brother on His orders, I'm fairly sure killing them would be enough to earn a visit on the spot. Most of them know enough to be able to call for His help.

  7. They can call for him? That's interesting. Not that I'm pumping you for information or anything. No nothing like that.... Haha

    I don't know I think you overestimate how smart Slenderman is. I mean the guy can't tell if something human if it's taller then He is, He's just not thinking that much. It's possible that it's more then 1 person, but if you're really worried keep a watch over him. I guess what I'm trying to say is you're banking on these people being rational and forgiving and they are neither of those things. 1 day Slenderman will kill you if being around Him so much doesn't beore that and 1 day you'll get unlucky and whatever hollowed is taking your brother's picture that month will get stab happy and probably kill him. You seem rational, if not forgiving, and it's pretty easy to see if you're rational that this is pretty much the worst choice you could make on the list of 'things to do when Slenderman is stalking me'.

    Also question (this is weird usually I'm asked these) what do you know about Slenderman and trees? I know He hangs out around them a lot and they're dangerous, but is there anything else?

    - M

  8. I know what I'm doing is stupid. Amongst the multitude of signs (my boss has no face, for one), the headaches and nosebleeds make that obvious. On a side-note I don't get the cough so maybe if he's real then Noah and I have got something in common.

    But I'm going to run the first real chance I get that has even moderate odds of allowing me to save my brother/keep him alive. I've been planning to run the first chance I get since I realised you can survive while running. But that's why I haven't been given one.

    And on trees: there's so much else, but my nose started bleeding when I went to type even the vaguest of things so apparently that's on the list of banned(ish) items. His Tree. I can't describe it or what it means or even contextualize it without an excruciating headache that doesn't go away until I delete the words, but I can say it.

    You don't ever want to go there, and I know this from personal experience. I've mentioned it before (while I was drunk, too), so you can probably guess at one of the things He does there. That's not even a fraction of it.

    Ah man, that was the worst question ever. To borrow a term, you're giving me the notebooks something mad asking questions like that. One of my colleagues once said that "The trees are all His, in time." And another I used to know who picked it up from the first guy used to write it everywhere, but I don't know what it means.

    Okay. I'm not answering questions about trees. Not a good idea. I'm pissing blood everywhere and McCafe's Chick's male counterpart on this shift is staring at me like he wants me to stop bleeding on all the napkins and leave.

    Okay. So I cut back what I wrote until my head stopped hurting, and that's probably all you'll get about trees. This is kinda fun, in the way playing boggle with Cthulhu and Candlejack would be fu

  9. Ohohoo. Candlejack. I'm so funny.

  10. Ack. Nosebleeds are no fun. D8

    How far away from your brother, are you? Would it take to long to get there if you needed to protect him?

    As for Candlejack, it's always okay to use memes in my boo

  11. If you need help there are people who can help you. Unlike the holloweds and crazy people who seem to be worshiping Slenderman now the people are actually sane for the most part and want to help you. Find a tie to run and don't do anything that will scar you soul (as a friend of mine who's a bit more religiously inclined would say) or hurt anybody too badly in the mean time. Anybody still living anyway. Keep your eyes open for a time that's safe and remember there are ways to avoid Him.

    I thought that might happen if I asked, but it was worth a shot. Slenderman's not smart but he knows when people talk or think about Him and if He likes that or not. That' why people who are hollowed talk in code and shit, Slenderman can't read it and it's the last of what was them when they were alive trying to protect themselves or people they cared about. As for hanging from the tree I think I know what you mean. The dreams I've had may be nothing but they talk about trees and kids and the trees in the dream don't seem to really dig Slenderman (but maybe that's wishful thinking), Bleeding everywhere isn't good but getting the notebooks is the same thing as talking to code. It's the oldest part of your brain trying to protect itself. So in a way it's kind of good for you. We all get them, but sorry if that question made your head explode. I just need more information. I only know of 2 things to do with a person who's close to or is hollowed and 1 is not so great. Now if only I could also get people to stop fucking worshipping Him the I'd be set. Well not really set there's still a guy with no face chasing me, but still.

    - M

  12. It wouldn't surprise me if the trees in your dreams didn't like Him. I don't think anything here does, not really. But you do have to stay out of them, since trees can't change their location every night or so to keep safe.

    And don't worry about the nosebleeds. I'm used to it. Oh, I forgot to mention about the whole calling Him thing. Anyone can, it's just a matter of whether or not He'll decide He wants to come. I mean, I know it's completely contrary to everything you're doing, but what do you think'd happen if you tried to called Him to you, actually said His name with the intention of calling Him closer to you?

    Yeah, that.

    Though He knows He's not your master, so you'd have to use His full name, rather than just 'Master', like most of my colleagues.

  13. Yeah I guess the world as a whole knows He's not really suppose to be here. As for calling im it's interesting you can it, but I'm sure everybody can. Slenderman comes when people think about Him, but I've said His name a bunch of times and nothing's ever happened, so I don't know if it's, like I said before, as organized as you give it credit for.

    As for what would happened if I did try this and it worked and I was on His hit list high enough to to paid a visit, I'd probably run like hell. I've come pretty close to Him and I don't much like it, so if you actually can call Slenderman to you I'd rather pass. I mean do you make much of a habit of calling him?

    - M

  14. No, I don't. I've done it all of once - a while back when a Heretic figured out I wasn't trying to sell him something and was just trying to distract him so the Touched hiding in his house could sneak back out, but that's it. The guy got mass angry when he heard my colleague upstairs and pulled a knife on me, thinking we were robbing him.

    Him showing up got us both out, though, since the Heretic basically had a fear-induced aneurysm when he realised we weren't there to rob him and ran just as fast as I had been planning to when he pulled the knife on me.

    Problem was, even though it saved both our lives, He wasn't exactly happy to have been called out just because I couldn't do my job properly. So I guess you could say I'd rather err on the side of caution when involving the boss in my affairs.